It’s time to go to war!

I’ve been watching Australia fall down in the Beijing Olympic medal list. The cause is simple. Forget swimming – or as it might be called, the art of not drowning whilst travelling quickly in a horizontal direction. It’s the disciplines of war and violence that get you the medals.

Boxing, wrestling, shooting, fencing, archery, judo, javelin, taekwondo. All the different weight combinations, distances, forms of weapons. There are so many medal chances!

And who is winning these medals? Countries who have land borders with outer nations. Nations at war now or in the recent past. China, North and South Korea on the podium in the Men’s 10m Air Pistol and China, Russia and Georgia in the Women’s event. Russia was invading Georgia when the latter two contestants were duking it out on the shooting range. How’s that for motivation?

The problem with Australia is that we don’t share land borders with anyone. So what’s the point of learning how to shoot, kick, stab, wrestle, spear or punch? The only thing we seem good at is clay target shooting, but that might be a cultural fear of using china plates.

Maybe if roadside bombing was a sport we could compete with the Afghans and Iraqi’s. Machete fencing against Timorese and Solomon Islanders is another possibility. We can look at making them demonstration sports in future, but I think we need a solid start as soon as possible.

We need to invade New Zealand. They are close. We can almost speak their language. We’ve already stolen their rugby coach. And they have an airforce without combat aircraft. As aerial dogfighting is not an Olympic sport the latter fact will not cause any difficulties.

Invade, and gold medals await the victor!

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